I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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