mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
