so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
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