Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
Randomize
