my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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