The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
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