I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
