I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
