im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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