I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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