Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
