if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
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