her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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