I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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