one word: firstdatebathroomanal
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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