Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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