I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Randomize