Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I want to fling myself into the sun
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
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