I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
