Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
you win again, gameday.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
It's just like the Real World with babies
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Randomize
