I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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