Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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