I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
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