i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Randomize
