can we get nightvision for the apartment?
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Randomize
