oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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