just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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