just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
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