fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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