Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Randomize
