Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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