My Higher Power is John Stamos
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Randomize
