(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
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