Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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