so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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