he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
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