God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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