There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize