u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
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