He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
