Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
