I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
So vagazzling was a success
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Randomize
