I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
