pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
