You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize