I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
