"it" just moved
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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