Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Randomize
