she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
