im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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