So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
