I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
