Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
