If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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