FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
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