I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
