I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize