Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
