In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I just threw up on my dentist
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
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