we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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