I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
