So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Randomize
