went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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