Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
